My words of faith are strong and clear. But that's
not to say they aren't challenged by fear. Because they are, and
often.
I want my messages to be positive, but, at the same time,
I think it's important that I'm real. I’ve gained so much comfort from
the honesty of other mothers and waiting mothers in the infertility/adoption
community. They've helped me to feel that I’m not alone in some of the fears
and doubts that I battle. This journey can be so isolating. I think
it’s important to share feelings, both positive and sometimes
not-so-positive.
At the most recent infertility retreat I attended, the
topic was about the journey and how it’s transformed us. One of the
exercises was to view our own childhood photos, while our leader, Nicole, led
us in a meditation. She guided us to think about our young selves compared
to our today selves: what brought us joy then vs now, our strengths then vs now,
what we might say to ourselves then vs now. Like most of my meditation
attempts, I drifted from the goal. I didn’t think of the little girl in
the photos as me. I thought of her as the daughter I always dreamed I'd
have. The daughter who would look like me. And then… I thought of the
loss of that exact dream. I cried in group that day. But like Nicole
says, it’s not a successful class until someone cries! ;)
While I’m confident that adoption is right for us, I
still grieve. And, while I strive to stay positive and focused on the
excitement of everything, I still fight fears and doubts…
Are we doing the right thing? Is this what we
really want? Is our profile good enough? Will we be chosen?
What if the birth family isn’t great? What if the baby isn't healthy? What if the baby isn't cute? (I
know, terrible to say out loud.) What if I don't bond? Will I love
the same? Will I still feel a void? Do we want a lifelong
relationship with a birth family? Can we
handle the potential challenges of raising a child who was adopted?
I
have to acknowledge these fears. And maybe it’s ok to have them.
Maybe it means that I’m in a place of risk and challenge, rather than hiding
and avoiding.
A
recent service at our church was
on making courageous choices and having faith at life’s river crossings.
Our Pastor spoke of how nothing really happens while standing safely on the
river bank. Nothing exciting, no miracles, no memories made, and no way
for God to show up and do something spectacular. The miracles are in
the river, not safely on the shore!
Our
journey has led me to this edge, and I am fearful, but I can’t let the fear
hold me back. I am stepping into the river. There may be trouble,
but I have faith that there will also be a miracle. I know I will end up
safely on the other side, where adoption's wonderful and I wouldn't have it any
other way.
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| Sugie and me, late '70s / early '80s |
